(no subject)

I'm in such a curious mood tonight. The present finds me slowly typing out this entry on my touchscreen Asus tablet while sitting nude in bed beside my softly snoring boyfriend.

I could not sleep so, a couple hours ago as I lay curled against his back, my mind led me on a vivid walk-through of my life from around the age of five to present. In a level of detail I had not stopped to recall for ages, I rewalked the halls of my elementary school, handled a tarantula at an assembly, sculpted a rather colorful tiger laying across a rock as a ten year old, climbed through brambles near the fence at a playground's edge, snuggled with past girlfriends, hiked up mountains, plowed through barely edible cafeteria food, practiced quads in the band room with a friend, sat in the bleachers drawing, took the podium to debate for the first time, idly played with a past boyfriend's goatee, bowled at my first furry meet, stood briefly petrified after my parents left me at college freshman year, danced in the mud, constructed a toilet from leaves, painted late into the night, made friends, spontaneously began to visit my current city of residence, dug parking spaces in the snow with my bare hands, survived art school, passings and emotional upheaval... all that and more; the extraordinarily fluid and bizarre run-on sentence that comprises a life.

Eventually I elected to fetch this computer and ink some commission work, and ultimately spent time reading about abandoned mining towns.

It all seemed appropriate for revisiting this journal again. Life is utterly bizarre. If a few years ago someone were to tell me I would be living in Pittsburgh, supporting myself as a freelance artist, it would baffle me. A few years ago I did not know the few people I see regularly now. I met a handful of folks who initially drew me to this city years prior, but even my companions here somehow shifted over the past year.

Ramblings. I suppose I will continue working now! I spend the vast majority of my life drawing, anymore.
  • Current Mood: awake awake
There are many moments in life where we look back and are amazed, stunned, and awed that we've come through some unexpected travels to get where we are now.
Honestly, it feels as if you pushed people aside for other things, which was confusing.
Pittsburgh people you mean? Not on purpose, the part of the group of friends I see often just changed. When Xav and I broke up it meant I suddenly stopped seeing people in general as much, because most of the people I saw, I saw through him. I was just kind of alone in my house for weeks on end dealing with my depression by myself, making art to survive but mostly having panic attacks and pacing my living room, reading Homestuck, and talking to just one good friend from art school via AIM. I couldn't really function. Then slowly, I started to become a person again and hanging out with people, one of which was Jonneh. He latched on to me and pursued me, which I had a hard time with at first but eventually realized what a genuinely good person he was and gave him a chance. Shortly thereafter he got his job and moved into the place in Dormont, and I began spending a lot of time there. I would art while he was at work and hang out with Pete at the house, and then spend a few hours with Jonneh after work, go to bed, wake up and repeat. For a few months I guess I mostly only really saw much of Jonneh, Pete, and their other quality roommate Noah. I would try to arrange to hang out with Xav now and again but more often than not it wouldn't work out, and I remember poking you guys a couple times awhile back saying we should art together and such but nothing would wind up being arranged, so I felt like a bother and stopped poking. I am really socially awkward and dislike imposing myself on people too much when I don't feel like I have an in to do so. :o It occurred to me several times, after walking to the Mint and seeing how close stuff is over there, that it was epic fail irony that as soon as you and Sunny moved to Oakland I started semi-living in Dormont. Of course just recently we found out I am not allowed to bring Helo over to their house, so I no longer stay there for a week at a time and I'm back to being alone in my house a good amount. XD So we definitely should hang out and art together when I get back from Ohio, if you would like to!

Art itself is unfortunately the other game changer. :/ More and more student loans kicked in and often I feel am fighting tooth and nail to survive. $458.50 in loans a month with the minimum payments. That plus rent, utilities, credit card bill, computer payment, and then little things like vet payment and renter's insurance... half the time I feel like I can't justify buying many groceries, given I usually only make a little over thousand or so per month freelance. So the only solution I see is to work constantly and try to earn more per month. I never get on AIM anymore and feel even less like I can play games. I even had to stop Magic because those cards were my only remaining pleasure expense, so I cut it out. Even when I was at Jonneh's house he would say he felt like we didn't get to do much together, because I was just there drawing. But hanging out to art is definitely a thing I could do.

...looking at it that way was kind of depressing. Every once and awhile I do live like a person! I went camping a couple weeks back. I hung out with an old Ohio friend today, even though I also drew the whole time. Hm. I can't think of anything else lately actually. But anyway, not to get tangential, it was just the bizarre flow of life and there are not enough hours in a day.